The ever-evolving journey in mental wellness.
By Glenda Lezeau
***This post might be mentally triggering due to factual descriptions of mental health symptoms. Please proceed with caution and stay in tune with yourself.***
The only important thing that you need to know about me is that I'm...Haitian! *drops mic* There’s nothing else to write. Of course, I'm kidding, but I'm partially serious. You have to know that I am Haitian American to know where I am going with this post. I absolutely LOVE Haitian music, more specifically Konpa music. I was listening to one of my favorite songs and was inspired to write about it. It’s called “Ti Bato” by New York All Stars.
Album Cover of New York All Stars
“Ti Bato” translates to “Little Boat”. The whole song takes place on a little boat traveling on water as a metaphor to describe what the pathway towards your dream can look like.
I have many dreams, but one of my biggest dreams is to achieve the greatest amount of mental strength needed for overall mental wellness. I’ve reached that dream before, but sometimes it's not about reaching it once: It's about reaching it over and over again as you experience life - especially when living with bipolar disorder. Yup, I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed after having my first mental breakdown.
My Mental Breakdown Was Like the Little Boat In Rough Sea Conditions
I thought I reached my dream after being hospitalized during my first mental breakdown in 2011, but six years later I was hospitalized again, this time twice in three weeks. This was my third mental breakdown and I realized that I had to reach my dream destination again. (Just to clarify, my second mental breakdown was not as severe, so I did not need to be hospitalized.)
Now, back to the song. “Ti Bato” is not about a well-built cruise ship that sails smoothly. It is about a little boat that was handmade, floating through big waters with people on it. There are lyrics in the song that describe the conditions going on as people were traveling on this boat.
“The wind is blowing; thunder is roaring; it’s raining,” and someone tells the person paddling to make sure they hold on tightly to their paddles because someone on the boat doesn’t know how to swim. (That last part was written for me — just kidding, but I actually don't know how to swim. Don't judge me!)
Photo by Marios Kefalas on Unsplash
All of the inclement weather conditions happened back to back and all at once to those traveling on that little boat. It reminded me of what it felt like as I was dealing with two back to back hospitalizations in the span of three weeks.
I was having intense delusions that made me lose perception of reality. I will spare you all the specific details of my delusions and other symptoms because they were pretty traumatic. Just to give you an idea, I actually thought that I was somewhere else when I was really in the hospital. I was having recurring delusions that made me believe that I was not at the hospital. I saw aspects of the hospital when I looked around, but I believed my delusion instead.
While standing on the hospital floor, I was convinced that I was actually at the edge of the Empire State Building about to jump. It was a really scary feeling. During this delusion, I remember trying my hardest to see what I thought was the truth, so that I could stop myself from jumping and attempting suicide. I remember sharing that to an amazing, caring nurse on my floor who physically showed me several times that the hospital floor was indeed real.
It didn't hit me that the floor was real and that I was having a delusion until my parents walked in. Here's where it gets more interesting. That same angelic nurse told me to look up because my parents were here to visit me. My nurse was trying again to prove to me that I really was in a hospital. I was still experiencing my delusion, so I couldn't see my parents. All I saw was an empty hospital hallway in the area where my parents were standing. My nurse started pointing to my parents, but I was still seeing an empty hallway. I was staring and staring and staring and finally I saw them! My parents were really there! Seeing my parents and feeling my Dad's arm wrapped around me convinced me that I was not suicidal and that I was not on top of the Empire State Building. After that moment, it was easier for me to recognize when I was having a delusion and as a result, I was able to help myself heal.
After about four days, I was feeling well enough to be discharged from the hospital and the clinicians were amazed to see how well I was doing. I was looking forward to continuing the recovery process at home, but two days later I was back in the hospital. I relapsed and my symptoms came back, but this time stronger and more intense. The second time around, I was hospitalized at a different hospital and was admitted for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. Ugh! I was itching to leave, so when I was finally discharged I felt free.
I thought I was on my way to mental wellness after being discharged the first time around, but clearly I wasn’t. I was shocked to have relapsed within a few days. Setbacks happen and sometimes you don’t reach your dream(s) when and how you expect to reach them. That’s part of the process. Even in “Ti Bato,” the boat was expected to arrive at its destination sooner than it actually reached. During their expected arrival, they were still at sea experiencing intense conditions, but in the end they reached their dream destination. And eventually, I reached my dream destination and was able to achieve mental wellness again.
My dream for mental wellness is my version of what’s described in “Ti Bato.” Throughout “Ti Bato” the main singer sings repeatedly, “my dream is my only destination.” I strongly agree. It might take inclement mental conditions and roaring symptoms for me to reach my mental wellness dream, but “my dream is my only destination.” As I mentioned earlier, I realized that achieving mental wellness is a process that I have to repeat over and over again. It is a process that needs to be achieved multiple times in order for me to experience lasting mental wellness - especially when living with bipolar disorder. Sometimes you have to go through moments of hardships to reach your dream. This is the only way I’m going to reach my dream and it might be the only way you can reach yours.
For more stories based on my journey with bipolar, check out my new book, Letters to My Bipolar Self.
About The Author
Glenda Lezeau was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2011 after having a mental breakdown that led to her hospitalization. Since then, she has felt it deep in her heart to share her story with hopes of empowering and educating others. With that in mind, she became a mental health advocate and started Rising From Bipolar. Rising From Bipolar is a platform featuring inspiring messages about mental health based on Glenda's personal journey.